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3 Questions Every Parent Must Ask Before Talking About Adoption to Their Child

"Don’t mistake your desire to talk for their readiness to listen.
Far more important are the wordless truths they learn from you."

—William Martin, The Parent’s Tao Te Ching

Take a moment to let this truth settle within you.

When you do, the gift of listening deeply, will guide you in knowing when and how to share the tender truths of adoption with your child.

Let me share a moment from my own life that taught me just that.

My daughter was about three years old. I don’t remember the exact date, but I can still picture the scene like it was yesterday. She was wearing a pink tutu, her first-ever haircut framing her sweet face with short little bangs that marked the end of her babyhood. She was sitting on the kitchen counter, her legs swinging happily, when she casually started talking about when she was in my tummy.

The word adoption had never come up before that moment.

I paused, mid-potato slice, and turned to her. In the most matter-of-fact but gentle way I could, I told her, “You were not in my tummy.”

Her little face flickered with an expression somewhere between wonder and disappointment. My heart raced a bit, but I held steady, leaving space for her to process and for whatever might come next.

“How come?” she asked, her wide eyes searching mine. Before I could answer, she quickly added, “What about my brothers? Were they in your tummy?”

“Yes, they were,” I replied.

There was a brief silence as her little mind worked through it all. Then, in a flash of realization, she beamed and exclaimed, “Oh, that’s why! There wasn’t enough space left!”

Her newfound understanding lit up her face, and she began to hop down from the counter, ready to skip off to her next adventure. But before she could, I scooped her up into a long, warm hug and said, “My heart has all the space in the world for you, and always will.”

She wrapped her arms around my neck, her voice soft and full of joy as she whispered, “I love you, Mami,” before skipping off into her playroom.

Now, let’s take my above story apart…

Adoption conversations don’t have to be planned or perfect. They often happen in small, spontaneous moments like this, when curiosity and connection naturally unfold. The key is to listen more than you speak and to trust your child’s lead and timing.    

It is also important to remember that these conversations aren’t just about explaining facts; they’re about creating an unshakable foundation of love and belonging. And in those moments, you remind them, and yourself, that love is infinite, and your heart has room for everything they bring to it.

  • I chose to wait to say anything about adoption because 1) I chose to trust my daughter to show me her sense of readiness. 2) Because children typically start developing the ability to think abstractly during the concrete operational stage between 7-11. And most importantly, young children create their world through fantasy and play. Sharing the knowledge, at that time, that there are two mothers in the picture, for example, would have cluttered her mind. 

    Now, this is not to say that there’s never an appropriate time to introduce something before they do. But it needs to be done with exceptional mindfulness of their developmental age, as well as the content and length of what you share.

  • WHY I DIDN’T EXPAND

    At the time, my daughter was in preschool, where they had just talked about how babies start in the mum’s tummy. That context set the stage for her to bring up the topic herself. And at the time her question came up I wasn’t aware of it. So, if I would have let my initial adult logic tower over hers (which was my first impulse), I would have fantasized about her possible early awakening about adoption. Instead, I let her express herself with her own available “material” because at that tender age, children don’t have the tools to process adult logic or complex ideas. When we share something too soon, or too abstractly, it can pull them out of their own world in ways that are confusing or even damaging.

  • There’s a lot of ideological perspectives about when and how to talk to children about sensitive topics like adoption. But often, I’ve found, especially in regards to adoption, that these ideas are more about the adults’ fear of what to say, how to say it, and the-earlier-the-better ideology, rather than what the child actually needs. As a result, these theories often end up serving the adult’s comfort rather than the child’s developmental needs.

    It was important to let her narrative be her narrative because this is what was satisfying for her at the moment. And while I knew very well that this beautifully simplistic interpretation wouldn't last, my own narrative, the serious and often heavy adult narrative, would have not only been out of place but a complete assault to her world of understanding.   

    So I chose to feed her what her "tummy" (no pun intended) could digest, keeping it simple, digestible, and more importantly respecting what felt true to her. 

    As a final note, let’s remember, OFTEN, that children are not little adults.They’re gradually growing into their ability to understand complex ideas, and their emotional world is much more immediate and simple than ours. They’re in their own rhythm, and we need to honor that.

So, how do you start to develop more consciousness within your sharing skills ?    

Here is how! Before initiating and sharing any concepts about adoption with your child ask yourself these three questions:

Why Am I Sharing What I’m Sharing?

Before you begin, ask yourself: Why am I sharing this with my child right now? Is it coming from a place of genuine care for their understanding and emotional readiness? Or is it because I feel the need to share it at this moment? Or do I feel pressure from everything I read about the importance of being transparent at all times? Know that transparency is not as important as timing and the wide range of considerations.    

It's important to be clear on why you feel compelled to share a particular topic with your child. Reflecting on your motivations will help you determine whether the timing and approach are right, so that the conversation serves your child’s needs more than your own.

Who Will Benefit from This the Most?

Take a moment to consider: Who is this conversation really for? Is it for you, to relieve some internal tension, or is it truly in service of your child’s emotional growth and development?

Understanding who stands to benefit the most from the conversation can help you approach it with clarity. And if it’s for your child, are you meeting them where they are emotionally and developmentally? Or are you projecting your own needs onto them? This question will help guide you in deciding whether the timing is right or if it’s wise waiting for a more appropriate moment.

Am I Ready and Knowledgeable Enough to Create a Space in Which the Child’s Reaction Can Be Received with Safety and Open Arms?

Before you begin, ask yourself: Am I ready to hold space for whatever response or reaction my child might have? Can you create an environment where their reaction, whether it's surprise, confusion, sadness, or joy, is received with openness, understanding, and safety?

It’s vital that you’re prepared to handle any emotional response with care, patience, and openness. Children need to feel that their reactions, questions, and emotions are valid and welcomed, no matter what they express. If you're not ready to provide that kind of space, it may be worth reconsidering whether this conversation should happen now, if a different approach would be better, or if you need support beforehand.

I hope this guidance was helpful to you, and I’d love to hear how it resonated or if it sparked any questions.

Nothing is more satisfying to me than inspiring mothers like you, who wish to incarnate in the fullness of their love, strength, and wisdom. To watch you embrace your role with confidence and create a deep, lasting connection with your child is a true privilege!